Solitary.

I like having my own little blog. I can keep up with my thoughts much faster when I type instead of writing it all down in a notebook. Another fabulous drunken night here at home... and I don't mean me. Surrounded by insanity...with no where else to go. I have had to deal with this nonsense my entire life. Been kidnapped because of it... among other things. Keeping connection with Lisa really is the only thing keeping me sane. She means more to me than anything.

I thought things had somewhat changed... By now I really should know better. A leopard never changes its spots. That was said about me a long time ago.. 

Depending on myself is the only thing I have ever really been able to count on. I am my own best friend and my own worst critic. When people tell me what they don't like about me... I start to see it in myself. Now I have to be my own cheerleader. Nobody else will ever love me the way I can. Everyone else just sees the bad in me. I've decided to not let anyone in anymore. Just gets me hurt. My walls are up for just about everyone except Lisa. Which is semi-ironic.

Lots of trust issues and confidence issues to work on. Long road ahead of me... and I'm pretty excited to see where it takes me. I always take the road less traveled by. 

Lookin at old old old blog posts...

This on was from Feb. 18th 2008

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl. She was happy, and it didn't take much at all to keep her that way. She only saw the good in life, and never let the world's cruelty come near her doorstep. But time had begun to wear down the steel walls of her safety. These walls, the only thing that had ever truely belonged to her, were cracking, and huge pieces began to fall on the ground. She scrambled as quickly as she could to put the pieces back, but the walls were crumbling faster than she could work. Larger pieces began to fall, some hitting her on the way down. All she could do was try to get out of the way. Eventually, all the walls of her safe little home were nothing but rubble, with her lying in the middle, covered in dust and debris. The girl tried to call for help, but her cries fell upon deaf ears. She could feel her life slowly starting to fade, and she began crying out of desperation. She had no hope left. With the energy she had left she looked up at the sky towards the sun, hoping she could feel it on her face for the last time. As her life flashed before her eyes, she remembered how happy she once was, and wondered why this happened to her. As she recalled her most beautiful memories, she slowly faded away, with a smile on her face.

Hmm. I always find myself full circle somehow.